Signed Books & How To Get Them

STATUS: Closed (this will open back up in November–please do not email before then)

Money raised (so far): £6,185.14p

(A huge thank you to everyone for their generosity and kindness. <3)

Please note: I reserve the right to withdraw from this on an individual basis at any time for any reason. For the record, the reason will be: being rude to my assistant. Any money spent will be refunded in total.

Why, hello, blog. Long time no see. Now blogging is even more obsolete, I’m half-thinking of resurrecting this old place.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to write something about this for a while, because I do occasionally get asked about signed books. 

So the first thing I should say is that most of my upcoming books will include a signed bookplate upon initial release if ordered from a participating indie bookshop. I’m aware you might not be appropriately geographically located to access a participating indie bookshop, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do about this: I created neither the world, nor international postage. I also want to make it clear that I personally do not see a bookplate as a “lesser form” of book signage. I’m not here to get into that debate.

All of which said, if you would like a personalised, hand-signed physical book from me, it may be possible to acquire one based on whatever I happen to have in my house at the present moment. It will, however, involve some costs to you, one of which it is my choice and privilege to impose, and one of which can’t be helped.

Please read this whole page before you take any action. Do not go randomly spending money until everything is confirmed.

If you would like a signed a book from me, you will need to:

1. Make sure the status of the post is open (this will be at the top of the post. Please do not email if it’s closed).
2. Check what books I have available at the bottom of this post, to ensure what you want is available.
3. Make a donation of at least £30 (or equivalent currency) to one of the following two charities (you may, of course, donate more if you wish, but please do not go above your means and you may also split your donation between both in any fashion you wish):
   Mermaids UK
   Buglife UK
4. Cover postage (£30 for international postage, £20 for shipping to Europe, and £10 for within the UK), including tariffs (folks within the EU may encounter an additional charge because of Brexit. I’m incredibly sorry about this but it’s beyond my control). Payment for postage will be via PayPal.

When I first attempted to do something like this—posting about the idea on Insta—I received some pushback regarding the costs. In answer to that pushback:

• Postage. I have literally hundreds of books sitting in boxes in my attic. You can’t seriously expect me to cover postage for all of them? Even if I covered HALF the postage for one hundred books, that would cost me £1500. That does not seem fair or reasonable to me. Of course, you may find it reasonable that I pay more money than you do, but I’m afraid that’s something we’re going to have to differ on.
• Asking for a charitable donation. Honestly, I’m a bit discomforted some people got so hostile over this. I understand the donation + postage combination makes this an expensive outlay, but given the books themselves cost about £15-£20 to buy in a bookshop, I will not reduce the value of my time (and my assistant’s time) to zero. Nor am I willing to give away books for free: that devalues my work in creating those books. I think if I was asking for the money for myself so I can build a Scrooge McDuck moneypit, then that would be different. But I’m not. I’m asking you—if you can afford it, and only if you can afford it—to do some good in the world in exchange for something you want. That should be a win/win. Not an invitation to complain.
• Yes, I know this will be out of some people’s budget—and I’m sorry about that. But I also know that signed books are often given away via auctions, which means that they inevitably only go to readers with the biggest disposable incomes. I personally find that unfair, so here we have a standard rate for everyone. And that’s about as equitable as I can make it.
• It’s always your choice whether to buy something or not. If you don’t want to buy it, you don’t have to. That doesn’t mean other people can’t or shouldn’t be able to make different choices. Capitalism, baby.
• Please do remember that this is a hand-signed, personalised book. You cannot get that anywhere else.

Some final notes:

• One book or bonus book offer per person. But if you’d like to do this again at some point, and you’re happy to make another donation in exchange for a book, then you’re more than welcome to. However, the amount of times you can go through this process will be capped at three. (If there’s a significant reason why you’d like multiple books in one go, please share and I will consider it.)
• Given the negative reaction on Instagram, I don’t imagine there’s going to be a high demand for this. But if it turns out there’s more demand than Mary & I can manage, we’ll temporarily close this down. See status at the beginning of the post. If the status is closed please don’t contact us about it.
• If you email Mary very late in the evening UK time or over the weekend, please be patient when it comes to waiting for a response. She is a human being who is allowed to rest! And we’ll get back to you as soon as we can. If more than 5 days passes without a response from us, then by all means nudge us again, either by email or on social media, because your email may have gone astray.
• Please also be aware that this can potentially be rather high volume (which is wonderful, I’m delighted to raise this much money for charity): I’ve sent out well over 50 packages so far, and in that group I’ve made exactly 1 mistake (and it was over a free bonus book, not over the actual book that was wanted). I will do my absolute best to make sure everything gets to you exactly right, but on the off chance I/Mary do make a human error, please do let us know ASAP. And, if possible, Mary & I would really appreciate if it you could give us some patience and understanding here. I want to be able to fix things in a way that works for you, but that’ll be easier for all of us if we can have a conversation and figure out the best way forward together (rather than you being crap to me/Mary).
• I will try my absolute best to get books ready to dispatch on a reasonable timeline, but I cannot guarantee a particular date/time. Every book is personalised and hand-packed, and then has to be taken to the post office, and there’s only one of me!

How to get in on this:

1. Email Mary (with the subject line signed book), including a ranked order of your top 3 books. We will try to honour your first preference. Current book availability is at the bottom of this post. Please do not ask about books we don’t have. And please don’t  say “anything!” or “I don’t mind which book!” because I’ve written a lot of books and I might accidentally send you something you hate.
2. Wait for Mary to reply before you do anything else!!!! I cannot emphasise this enough!!!
3. Once Mary replies to confirm availability of the book(s) and cost of postage (plus how to pay it), please reply with proof of donation, along with a name, address, and preferred personalisation. The preferred personalisation doesn’t have to be extravagant (though it can be, if you want) but I will need you to, at the very least, confirm the name you’d like the book signed to (some people prefer their nickname, for others their legal name might not be right, also the book could be a gift for someone else—the point is, I’d rather not sign a book to the wrong name, and I’m sure you wouldn’t like that either). Please do not be weird about this if Mary seeks confirmation or clarity regarding the personalisation, because it just makes the process more complicated for everyone involved. We are not judging anyone here and I will do my best to honour any personalisation requested.
4. We will keep a copy of the book/copies of the books on hold for you for 2 weeks. But if we haven’t heard from you within that time frame, the book will go back into the general availability pool.
5. Look, this last step is optional, but it would be incredibly kind if you could confirm delivery. I’ve occasionally had people get in touch literally months and years after I’ve thought I’ve sent something, telling me it didn’t arrive. So it’s really helpful to let us know that something has got safely to you (and even more important for you to tell us if it hasn’t!!). 

Current Book Availability

Newly available books:

• Audrey Lane Stirs the Pot
• Never After
• Hell’s Heart (hardcover)
• Father Material

Bonus book offers:

• Get a matching set of the first three Kate Kane books together: for a donation of £30, normal postage applies (because these books are dinky)
• Get all three Winner Bakes All books together: for a donation of £40, postage priced at £35 (because these books are not dinky)
• Get Mortal Follies and Confounding Oaths together in paperback (please specify if you would like the US or UK editions): for a donation of £30, normal postage applies
• Get Mortal Follies and Confounding Oaths together in UK hardcover (there are only UK hardcover editions): for a donation of £40, postage priced at £35 (because these books are chonkier than paperbacks)
• Get any book of your choice (including the 3 x Kates or the 3 x Winner Bakes All) + a book from the Something Something series free (because fuck capitalism), for an additional £5 postage on top of the required postage

Books with extra choices attached:

• If you want A Lady for a Duke, please specify if you want the US edition, the UK edition, or the mass market edition
• If you want either Mortal Follies or Confounding Oaths, please specify if you would like the US trade paperback edition, UK paperback edition, or UK hardcover edition

Books I’m running particularly low on:

• The Affair of the Mysterious Letter
• 10 Things That Never Happened

Books I’m all out of:

• Boyfriend Material

Books I do not & have never had & will never have:

• Murder Most Actual
• Any of the Prosperityverse books
• Any of the Ardy Books